Worst I've Seen
by IhaveAlotOfFeelings
Summary: Peeta comes back from the Capitol not hijacked but horribly tortured to the point of becoming closer and closer to death. Katniss faces the reality of her feelings for Peeta and his feelings for her. How will the star crossed lovers survive this? Will Peeta live?
1. Rescue

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM ANY RIGHT TO THE HUNGER GAMES TRILOGY. WISH I DID THOUGH CAUSE IT'S FUCKING FABULOUS**

 **A/N: Chapter one starts today! YAY ^.^ When Peeta came back hijacked it broke my soul, So I wanted to write an AU were he wasn't. But the more I thought about it, it just seemed to perfect for him to come mostly unharmed. Don't get me wrong I fucking love Everlark and want it to be nothing BUT perfect. I just felt it wasn't true enough to the mocking jay. Because nothing is ever picture perfect because of the Capitol and I wanted to capture this in a way that didn't involve Peeta no longer loving Katniss.**

When we arrive in the hospital wing, the place is in an uproar. Doctors shouting orders and the wounded being wheeled through the halls in their bed. We're side swiped by a gurney bearing an unconscious emaciated young woman with a shaved head. Her flesh showing deep bruises and oozing scabs. Johanna Mason. Who actually knew rebel secrets. And this is how she has paid for it.

Through a doorway, I catch a glimpse of Gale, stripped to the waist, perspiration streaming down his faces a doctor removes something from under his shoulder blade with a long pair of tweezers. Wounded, but alive. I call his name and start towards him until a nurse pushes me back and shuts me out.

"Finnick!" Something between a shriek and cry of joy. A lovely if somewhat bedraggled young woman – dark tangled hair – sea green eyes – runs towards us in nothing but a sheet. "Finnick!" And suddenly, it's as if there is no one else in the world these two, crashing through space to reach each other. They collide, enfold, lose their balance and slam against a wall, were they stay. Clinging to one been invisible.  
A pang of jealously hits me. Not for either Finnick or Annie, but for their certainty. No one seeing them could doubt their love.

Boggs, looking a little worse for wear but uninjured, finds Haymitch and me. "We got them all out. Except Enobaria. But since she's from two, we doubt she's been held anyway. Peeta got the worse of it we're not sure-"  
I cut his sentence off as the worst outcome begins to rush throughout my entire being. "Not sure what?!" I begin to scream. "Where is he?! What happened?! What did they do!?" I scream as loud as my voice will allow me. Haymitch takes me into his embrace for comfort. And he is the only one who understands. He loves Peeta too, like a son anyway.  
"You need to breathe sweetheart, otherwise you'll be on a gurney too." He whispers letting me go. I attempt to shackle up enough composure for Boggs to continue biting my tongue from screaming again.  
Boggs looks at me, then Haymitch as if asking permission to begin talking again. Haymitch gives a quick nod.  
"Peeta was the worst affected. He was tortured. Bad. They've put him on a lot of machines and monitors to try and basically restart his body."  
I know if I begin to talk I won't be able to hold in the hopelessness that is riddling me. Fortunately Haymitch speaks for me. "What does that mean? Restart his body?"  
"I'm sorry, I just don't think it'll be helpful to explain details, you may not be able to handle it." He says softly motioning for us to sit down out of the way of all the patients and hospital staff.  
I sit down and swallow hard before whispering, "No. I want to know." I look up and meet his gaze, we both know I can't take this well but I need to know.  
"They starved him. Worse that I've ever seen, his internal organs began to shut down. Peeta took beatings, brutal beatings, half a dozen ribs are broken, also his one good leg also. He will need skin replacement surgery for the burns. Peeta is still been given stitches, not to mention the blood transfusions. He has a collapsed lung, so he is on oxygen too."  
My body becomes numb. I don't know how I feel. All I can think is that Peeta didn't know any secrets of the rebellion.

I don't realise I'm crying and lost in thought until Haymitch brings me out of it. Looking up at them both, they stare with wide eyes, unsure how I will react. I'm still wondering that myself. "Can I see him?" is all I can muster.  
Boggs turns around to look at the nurses' station, he doesn't even say a word and a nurse nods. He turns towards us and motions us to follow him. I follow Haymitch, who follows Boggs. With everything running through my head, I can't rationalise myself in time before I see him.

Hallowed cheeks, yellow skin with every inch with either a bruise or a bandage. Tubes running from him, everywhere. Dozens of monitors beeping, all with a different purpose. I feel my feet come out from under me, my whole body becoming limp with shock. My hand clasps my mouth as I let out an incredibly ugly sob. Nothing could have prepared me for this moment. I feel deep regret that I never savoured every moment with him, even if I did I don't think it could have ever been enough. Boggs leaves us, quickly darting out, and Haymitch stares in disbelief, more sober then I had ever seen him before. He approaches a bland blue chair beside the bed and sits himself down and rests his head in his hands.

I don't remember falling asleep, but the fatigue from staying up all night waiting must've taken over me. When I look up to my surroundings I find myself in my compartment alone, I assume Prim and my mother at the hospital tending to patients. When the memory of Peeta's body becomes the centre of my thoughts, I throw myself up giving myself a head spin. I sprint. As fast I am able to the hospital wing. I don't remember how to get to Peeta's room from the hospital wing, which makes me becoming increasingly frustrated with myself. I run down every hallway that feels familiar and eventually find myself in front of his door. I'm almost too scared to see him in that state again but the longing for his presence takes over me.

When I open the door this time his eyes are open, he looks more alive now that I can his features move. I'm disappointed that my face was not the first face he saw when he woke, but he sees it now. He looks up at me with doubt, as if I'm not standing before him. "Katniss." He whispers is disbelief.  
I want to scream and crash myself into him but I know as soon as I do I will probably pull out too many tubes he needs to stay alive and break more bones. I'm almost in disbelief when he smiles at me. "You're awake" is all I can say standing frozen in place.  
"You can come here" Peeta says as he weakly pulls his arm to me.  
"I'm too afraid." I say softly. I can feel the cries bubbling up but I try to repress them, I need to stay strong for Peeta.  
"Why?" he says pulling his arm back.  
"I don't want to hurt you again." As soon as the words leave my lips the sobs begin. A hideous animal cry comes out, a cry of unfathomable despair and pain. And I can't give in anymore, I push myself to him and crash my lips into his. I feel his arms wrap around me and all I can do is take in everything of him, his smell, his warmth, the texture of his lips. This kiss wasn't like the one on the beach or the cave. This one fills me with much more relief and ecstasy. I try to memorise everything of him so I can never lose it again.

Then I let out the words I tried so hard to never let myself feel, but I could never feel anything else for my boy with the bread. "I love you."


	2. Waiting

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN OR CLAIM ANY RIGHT TO THE HUNGER GAMES TRILOGY. WISH I DID THO LMAO.**

 **A/N: This chapter killed me lol. I also wanted to clear up some closure with Gale too, because a lot of fanfics they just leave that knot untied and it really bothers me because Gale and Katniss's relationship is never properly cleared up. Anyway! Hope you enjoy this chapter, bit of a short one but chapter 3 will be up in the next couple of days! Please review! ^.^**

The next time I wake up, I'm in my compartment again. It worries me that they are able to move me when I fall asleep without waking me up. When my eyes flutter open I have a brief delicious feeling of happiness that is most definitely connected with Peeta, but the warm emotion washes away as he conditions causes anxiety to course up my veins.

I push myself up and make my way back down to the hospital to see Peeta. I pass Beetee in my path to the hospital, and he tells me to come see him soon, more weapons for the Capitol to inspect I assume.

When I get there, his room is empty. All the machines gone, his bed also gone. I quickly do a double take to make sure I am in Peetas hospital room. I try to compose myself and ignore the anxiety, _probably just moved him into another room or something,_ I think trying to rationalize myself. I swallow hard and walk up to the nurses' station to ask about his whereabouts.  
A petite woman in her early thirties looks up to me with big bug eye glasses and asks happily, "Miss Everdeen, what do I own the pleasure?"  
I stumble on my words as the fear increases. "I'm looking for Peeta" I mumble.  
The nurse looks to me and bites her lip. "Just give me two seconds." She says clutching a clipboard and turning away from me to a phone. Her reactions riddled me with so many questions, but I don't have time to ask for answers when I turn to see Haymitch walking towards me.  
"Katniss…" he says hesitantly.  
"Where's Peeta?" I demand.  
"Don't start screaming yet sweetheart, I promise he isn't dead." He says looking to me.  
"Well?" I question again, eyebrows raised.  
"He took a bad turn last night; he refused to let anyone touch him until you were carried to your compartment safely asleep."  
The guilt sinks in more deep that Peeta risked his life _again_ just so I can get some bloody sleep. "What do you mean, turn for the worst?"  
Haymitch takes a deep breath, "His heart has stopped 3 times in his life, and he hasn't even turned 20. His lungs are taking a beating because of his heart. We're optimistic about his heart, it's his lungs were worried about."  
"His lungs? I thought they were okay. Only one that was collapsed, he can handle that, it's Peeta after all." I say trying to organize and process all the information.  
"The heart problems have causes pleural effusion." He says. I look at him quizzically, I have no idea what any of this means and I am beginning to grow frustrated. But he answers my thoughts. "Fluid is building up in his lungs; they're doing their best to drain it. Basically he is drowning in his own body." He says getting ready to face my reaction.  
I was filled with so much relief yesterday to see Peeta's' smile. I let myself become happy that he was here and safe. Not preparing myself for the worst to come. I try to push past Haymitch to find him, to find conformation of my worst fears but he stops me. "Woah their sweetheart, he is still in surgery, you're going to have to wait." He says sitting me down in an ugly arm chair in front of the nurses' station.

I don't know how long I've been sitting here, an hour I think. Prim comes over and sits beside me. "Hey little duck." I say trying to smile, but failing.  
"How are you managing?" she asks sweetly, her fingertips running through my hair. "And don't tell me you're fine."  
It's true. Whatever the opposite of fine is, that's what I am. All I can do is try to keep my crying as minimal as possible. "Why did they do this?" I mumble.  
Prim sounds a thousand years old when she speaks. "They did whatever they could to break you."  
We stay seated for a long time, we've stopped talking, because there's really nothing left to say. After a while Prim is whisked away to assist a patient. She gives me a reassuring embrace before leaving. Now I am alone, alone with the destruction of my own mind.

To my surprise I see Gale approaching me. It has just become aware to me I hadn't seen him since they returned from the Capitol. I'd been so distracted with Peeta I forgot my best friend. I knew he would be fine so I don't feel entirely guilty about it.  
"Hey Catnip." Gale says with a small smile sitting beside me.  
"Hey." I mumble in reply.  
"How are you?" he asks politely.  
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" I say with a small smile noticing the bandage that pokes out of his shirt.  
He lets out a laugh and then as he slowly becomes silent again he says, "I saw Peeta yesterday, through the glass."  
"What did you think?" I ask.  
"Something selfish," says Gale.  
"That you hope he doesn't make it so you don't have to be jealous anymore?" I say pulling my knees to my chest.  
Gale seems very offended by my statement and pulls himself back looking at me sharply. "No Catnip. I would never wish death on anyone." He says bitterly.  
"Well what did you think?" I mumble feeling blameworthy.  
"I thought . . . I'll never compete with that. No matter how much pain I'm in." He spins a spare bandage between his thumb and forefinger. "I don't stand a chance if he doesn't get better. You'll never be able to let him go. You'll always feel wrong about kissing me."  
"The way I always felt wrong kissing him because of you." I say.  
Gale holds my gaze. "If I thought that was true, I could almost live with the rest of it."  
Before I have time to defend myself he is walking away. I feel uncertain of myself now, I did feel guilty because of Gale, but think I don't anymore. Those kisses on the beach that opened up my entire being to the feeling of love. That made me realize there is only one person I want to share those kisses with. Peeta. When I saw his bright blue eyes, clouded with sorrow, after so long. The longing for the taste of him, his warmth, his presence. The only reaction I could think of was to experience his lips against mine again. Those kisses felt so impeccably good that there was never a hint of guilt associated of them, I place my fingers up to lips as if to try and remember what they tasted like.

I look up to see Haymitch and immediately jump up in hopes that he has news on Peeta, hopefully he's out of surgery. But his reaction, one that I thought I would find great relief in, only holds fear and despair. "What?' I blurt out before he can speak.  
He looks down at his feet then back up at me, trying to figure the right way to say something, but instead he just blurts out, "They don't think he'll be able to make it out of this sweetheart."


	3. Real

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM ANY RIGHT TO THE HUNGER GAMES TRIOLGY. WISH I DID THOUGH LMAO.**

 **A/N: Really disappointed how this chapter turned out, hope you enjoy anyway! Will update soon! xx**

 ***I HAVE A REALLY FUCKIN COOL PLAN COMING UP SO STAY TUNES***

It has been 2 days since Peeta returned from surgery almost dead. Since that moment I find myself beside his bed, or when I am kicked out of his room, I will find some tunnel or closet that I can shut the world out in. The emotions that grow within me, become worse and worse each day. I reflect on all the things I've done, and how all the consequences have hurt me more than anyone else. The berries, the love story, the quarter quell, all of it.

I am never given news about his condition, whether he is improving or not, I only assume he is becoming worse and they are afraid to tell me. It doesn't stop me from ears dropping on conversations and sneaking a glimpse at his chart. Last I heard they're not sure if he will wake up, they sound optimistic though. With direct orders from President Coin, I am ordered to eat meals at the cafeteria now, even though I never have much of an appetite.

I receive a tap on the shoulder and turn to see Boggs. "You name is the first thing he said when he woke up." Boggs says gently. I don't understand, who? What name?  
Then it hits me, Peeta.  
I don't say a word before bolting up to the hospital wing. If he is awake that means he is improving right?

When I get there I catch a glimpse through the glass before I let myself in, he is awake like Boggs said but barley, his eyes slowly drift open and closed. As I go to enter Haymitch stops me. "What? He said my name not yours." I say impatiently trying to push past him.  
"You need to know something before you go in. He has been knocked around a lot sweetheart. He is having a lot of trouble with memory. We didn't know when he first came in, he was barely conscious."  
"What do you mean?" I ask nervously.  
"Come sit down with Beetee, Plutarch and me first, okay?"  
I nod and follow him to a meeting room not far down the hall.  
When we sit down, I don't bother with small talk, "What did they do to him?"  
"The Capitol has tried to perform a torture method called _hijacking._ He has trouble sorting out what is and isn't real. So when you go to visit him soon, pace yourself and don't overwhelm him okay?"  
"What the hell is hijacking?"  
"It's a type of fear conditioning. The term hijack comes from an old English word that means 'to capture' or even better 'to seize'. We believe it was chosen because the technique involves track jacker venom, and the jack suggests hijack. You remember been stung in your first games, so unlike me, you have firsthand knowledge of the effects of the venom."  
Terror. Hallucinations. Nightmarish visions of loosing those that I love. Because the venom targets the part of the brain that houses fear.  
"I'm sure you remember how frightening it was. Did you also suffer mental confusion in the aftermath?" asks Beetee. "A sense of been unable to tell what is true and what is false? Most people that have been stung and live to tell about it report something of the kind."  
Yes. That encounter with Peeta. Even after I was clear headed, I wasn't sure if he had saved my life by taking on Cato or if I had imagined it.  
"So how bad is it?" I ask.  
"Recall is made more difficult because memories can be changed." Beetee taps his forehead. "Brought to the forefront of your mind, altered and saved again the revised form. Now imagine that I ask you to remember something – either with a verbal suggestion or by making you watch a tape of the event- and while that experience is refreshed, I give you a dose of tracker jacker venom. Not enough to induce a three day blackout. Just enough to infuse the memory with fear and doubt. And that's what your brain puts in long term storage."  
I start to feel sick, "What does this mean for him?" I ask.  
"Fortunately he was rescued in time for any real damage was caused. It is not as severe as some cases I have found researching Peetas' condition. Luckily the memories they have twisted are small, more medium sized things if you will. Such as if president snow was the one hurting him? Were you in the Capitol with him? Can people fly,? That sort of thing." Says Plutarch.  
"Oh." Is all I can manage.  
"I'll take you to go see him now, but try not bring anything that isn't relevant up, okay sweetheart?" Says Haymitch.

When I reach his room, I pace myself and sit down quietly beside him, I don't think he realizes I am here until I take his hand. He head turns towards me and a smile spreads across his face. Despite everything that is damaging his body, he looks healthier then he did when he came in. Not as pale, and less starved.  
"Hey." Is all I can manage before breaking out into a sob.  
Peeta weakly brushes a few strands of hair out of my face and tilts my chin to meet his eyes. "It's going to be okay Katniss."  
I lean myself up and tenderly kiss his cheek and then move to his mouth. When I break away, Peeta wiggles himself over and motions me to sit on the bed. I want to so badly to be next to him, but I can't. So I shake my head. "Peeta, if I do, one tube or another is bound to pull out, I can't hurt you, I don't want to risk it."  
His smile drops and he nods with understanding. When I take his hand again his smile returns slightly. "So the food is pretty good here" he says motioning to a bag above his head that I can only describe as custard colored liquid. I follow the tubes from the bag and realize it reached his nose. Oh, that's how they must be feeding him.  
I smile sweetly, "I bet it's no hot chocolate though." I reply with a smile.  
"Katniss, what happened?" he says looking up to me nervously. "They told me a lot of what happened but it doesn't make sense, I don't understand medical terms."  
I'm afraid to speak as the ugly cried will be sure to follow, but he deserves to know. I swallow hard and blurt it all at once so I don't have time to stop and cry. "You started drowning. Fluid kept filling up your lungs, they couldn't get it under control. They think you'll die. Then you went in for surgery, you were in there for so long, your heart kept having trouble, then your lungs, you hadn't woken up in two days." After the words come out I break away and cry. Harder this time, now that it all is vocalized I guess it makes it that a little more real. Peeta looks out the windows and into the hospital ward. He lets out and deep sigh and I see his eyes begin to water. "Katniss, I know that if I die, my last thought will be of you. I love you, and I want nothing more for you to be happy. Please don't be scared of me dying, I will be with my family again." He says brushing tears away from his face. I don't know what else to say, so I give and crawl up next to him, not knowing if this will be my last chance to hold him. I know that if Peeta dies, I will too.


	4. Capitol

**DISLCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM ANY RIGHTS TO THE HUNGER GAMES TRIOLGY.**

 **A/N: Short chapter this week! I'm sorry! The next one will be longer I promise!**

The next few days go by painfully slowly. But this morning when I see Boggs coming over to talk to me, I feel a twist of confusing feelings. Judging his expression I can't tell if it's good or bad.  
"Hey Katniss," He says slowly. This can't be good.  
"What's wrong?" I ask, knowing this is where the conversation is headed.  
"It's Peeta." He says, going to continue to talking but I cut him off getting up an abruptly leaving. I need to see him, I can't loose him again, it has drained me physically and mentally so much to see him in so much pain. I just need to see his smile even if it's surrounded by machines, just that reassuring smile it will be okay.

"You can't see him." Boggs yells out to me. My pace is frozen with fear, how bad could he be that I'm not allowed to see him? I swiftly turn around and face him.  
"Why?" I almost scream in frustration.  
"Just follow me to command." He replies.  
"No." I say and make my way to Peeta as fast as my legs will allow me.

When I get there a swarm of doctors surround him. Petrified I lunge towards him, but I'm caught and thrust back into another room, and a glass door seals between us. I pound on the glass, screaming my head off. Everyone ignores me except Haymitch, who I didn't even notice was here. "Careful sweetheart, you're one more swear word away from a sedative."  
I don't say anything back but look through the glass, I see the doctor's work feverishly on Peeta, their brows creased in concentration. I see the flow of liquids, pumping through the tubes, watch a wall of dials and lights that means nothing to me. Anger bubbles up throughout my body, for the whole situation, our whole lives, everything. I needed someone to take it out on, and I'm sorry I chose you Haymitch.  
"This is your entire fault." I spit.  
"Me? Haha, nice try." He replies back bitterly.  
"It is! You promised you would protect Peeta, and now look at him? Bleeding away on a table!" I scream.  
"Stop trying to take it out on me Katniss, this is just as much your fault as it mine." He says frustrated.  
"You are nothing to your word Haymitch, nothing!" I scream.  
We start yelling terrible things at each other and it doesn't take long before I am pulled away with a needle poking into my arm.

When I wake up, I'm back in my old hospital room I was in when I was first brought to thirteen. I notice the familiar ugly canvas hanging up and the matching arm chair against the wall in front of me. As I try to sit up my head begins to throb and I remember the head banging incident that occurred when I woke up briefly earlier. I push myself to my feet holding my head in my hands to source out Peeta. But as I reach the hallway I'm stopped by a tall blurry figure. "Woah there Katniss, You've given yourself a nasty concussion lay back down." I recognise the voice, Boggs.  
"Peeta" I mumble.  
"You'll get to see him if you try and lay down." He replies. I'm in too much pain to fight back so I oblige and lay back down on the bed, head still throbbing. "I'll get you some morphling for your head, then we'll talk, okay?" He says calmly. I nod in reply and he walks out.  
He comes back in, and a nurse follows shortly after injecting the medicine into my arm. The sweet relief washes over almost instantly and the throbbing lessons quickly. I let out a deep sigh of relief and finally cough clearly my croaky voice from screaming. "How's Peeta?"  
"Stable." He says bluntly.  
"And?" I question seeking out further explanation.  
"We're wanted in command, I was sent the orders that as soon as you woke up."  
"No." I spit out bitterly. "I want to know about Peeta."  
"We will explain in Command Katniss, just trust me." He says motioning for me to get up.  
I stand up and start walking, "is he going to die or not?" I ask desperately. Boggs doesn't reply which leaves destructive feelings growing within me.

When we reach command, everyone is there, Plutarch, Gale, Beetee, Finnick, Haymitch and even Coin.  
"Oh Katniss, good to see you're awake, please sit." Coins says happily.  
I obey and sit down directly across from them all. I don't say anything, and wait patiently for them to start.  
"So, Peeta has not been improving like we had hoped." Says Plutarch. "He deteriorated rapidly yesterday morning." He adds softly.  
"What does this mean for him?" Gale asks.  
"Well.." Coin starts but Beetee interrupts.  
"There is one course of treatment that could work, it has a 90% success rate."  
"Then what are you waiting for? Do it!" I almost yell.  
"It's not that simple sweetheart." Haymitch says swinging in his chair.  
"What isn't simple about it?" I demand.  
"The only place with access to it, is the Capitol."


	5. Suicide

**DISLCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM ANY RIGHTS TO THE HUNGER GAMES TRIOLGY. WISH I DID THOUGH BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING FABULOUS.**

 **A/N: This chapter is a lot of dialogue so prepare yourselves lol. Hope you enjoy, please review! ^.^**

"The Capitol?" I mumble out.  
"Yes." Confirms Beetee.  
"How do we get there?" I say quickly.  
"It's not that simple Katniss, we haven't even united the Districts yet, it would be a suicide mission." Coin says sternly.  
"This is Peetas life." I spit out. I don't know why I am so bitter to Coin, I am frustrated as she doesn't seem to be taking this as seriously as she could should be.  
"What are our options?" Plutarch pipes up.  
"Well, without treatment his life expectancy is only a week." Beetee says softly.  
"A week?" I repeat in disbelief. Peeta can't live for _just_ a week. He has to live to be old and grey.  
"How long would it take to unite the Districts?" Asks Haymitch.  
"It's hard to say," she sighs. "We haven't even got District two yet, let alone District one. And then there is the Capitol. It would take more than a week, no doubt."  
My stomach begins to twist and turn to the point it feels like a fancy knot that Finnick created that can't be undone. The thought comes back to me, what I thought in the first arena, _"If he dies I'll never go home. I'll spend the rest of my life in this arena, trying to think a way out."_ And I refuse to stay in a damn Arena.  
"Send me." I blurt out. "I will not let him die, if you don't send me, I will find a way on my own. Better to send me with reinforcements then on my own." I add. Now I've put Coin in a dead lock. I've probably made her more angry, let alone willing to help me. She stares at me for a long time, no one speaks. Just silence.  
"No." Coin says.  
"Fine." I say getting up. "I'll see you in the Capitol." I spit out before walking away.  
"Katniss wait." Gale shouts. I turn to face the table.  
"What?" I say bitterly.  
"Coin, you need to consider this, you've seen what your Mockingjay is capable of, she will find a way out, despite how many guards you have on her." Gale says.  
"He has a point." Plutarch says matter-of-factly. "Maybe it should be like the Victors rescue. Volunteer only?" he adds in an attempt to coerce Coin.  
Coin turns to Beetee now. "How many soldiers would you need, what exactly would you need to do?"  
"Well," Beetee says scratching his head. "You would need to get into the Capitol Grand Hospital, Cressida knows a doctor that is employed at the hospital so she would be able to find the location of the treatment." He says pausing taking a breath. "His treatment is very complicated, he is given a very strong medicine that works through a large machine. It will drain out his blood and filter through all the bacteria and infections and then back into his system. He will also have further treatment running through his lungs, essentially draining them dry then restarting them. The machine he needs is quite large, about the side of that doorway." He says pointing at the doorway we came through. About Six and half feet tall and 3 foot wide. "Plus the actually medicine comes in fluid bags, like morphling. You would need it least half a dozen. And you will need the drug treatment for his lungs, they will come in vials. I am unsure how much he will need, it will depends on Peetas weight and his condition at the time of administration so you will need to get as much as you can carry."  
"That's a lot." Coin says hesitantly. "But we need our Mockingjay." She adds on.  
"Get it on camera." Haymitch pipes in. "What else could help the rebellion? The Mockingjay sneaking into the capitol to save the man she loves?"  
Plutarch smiles, "That is a great idea Haymitch!" he says optimistically.  
"And you think Cressida would be okay doing that?" Gale asks curiously.  
"Cressida would be vital for the mission. She knows the doctor in the Grand Hospital." Beetee adds in.  
Coin considers this more a moment before turning her attention to Plutarch, "What do you think?" She asks.  
"She won't cooperate to be our Mockingjay any other way." He says smiling at me.  
"How many?" Coin asks abruptly.  
"It least 15." Beetee replies.  
"Okay we will make an announcement this evening." Coin says.  
I want to scream and yell to do it now, but I am pushing my luck enough, so I stay silent. As everyone gets up to leave I grab Haymitch's arm. "Can I see him?" I ask desperately, almost begging.  
"No sweetheart, he is in isolation, we can't afford him to get any more sick than he already is."  
Admitting defeat I don't say anything else and let him leave. As I sit in my own pitiful silence I stare at my hands trying to organize my thoughts. I need to say goodbye. Like Coin said, this will probably be a suicide mission, but I need to take that risk for Peeta. I refuse to give up on him, even if Coin wants to, I decline to ever do that to him.

When the announcement beams all over District Thirteen, I see all the citizens' eyes light up to the President standing on the podium looking at everyone. Confused looks pass through as Coin reinforces her previous statement.

Now we have to wait for the numbers to stack, those who volunteer are ordered to Command as the assembly concludes. I don't want to feel the disappointment if the numbers prove unsuccessful so I walk slowly to my compartment. When I arrive I slump down onto the bed, and I can feel the morphing starting to wear off, so instead of trying to stay awake to hear back from Command I let myself drift off to sleep.

When I eyes open I see a very sober Haymitch staring back at me with an ice cold grip on my shoulder. My head is hurting, not as bad as this morning, but bad no less. "Oh what." I mumble. "They got the number Katniss, get up." As the words concrete itself in my head I shoot up onto my feet. "Easy girl on fire, you're not set to depart until the morning."  
"Why aren't we going now!?" I shout.  
"Because everyone needs to prep, including you, you look like crap." He says.  
"Well thanks." I say sarcastically. "were is everyone preparing for the _suicide mission_ as Coin calls it?"  
"Down in weapons with Beetee, you'll be taking your bow as usual so I think only a couple of practice shots will be enough for you then you can go get some bloody rest before we are set to go."  
"My head Haymitch, I need something for my head." I mumble.  
"They won't let you go if you've already got an injury." Haymitch says throwing a clean jumpsuit and a fresh towel. I look up at Haymitch annoyed and he adds on, "I'll sort it out." He says gruffly. "Now get in the shower, I'll meet you in weapons after."

When I get down to weapons I see all the soldiers and I am impressed with the turn out, they would have to be at least 20. Haymitch swiftly passes me a couple of pills which I quickly swallow. I gulp down some water and look up to see Finnick. I approach him slowly, before saying softly."Finnick didn't expect to see you."  
"Well Hello to you to Girl on fire, ready to save the baker boy?"  
"Ready as I'll ever be." I reply.  
"Don't look so glum Katniss, we are going to save Peeta. Then you'll happy ever after with the boy with bread and you can make toast." He says happily with a wink. I give him an eye roll and go to walk away when Finnick grabs my arm. "If you're surprised to see me, you'll be even more surprised to see Johanna." He says. My eyes light up immediately. Johanna?  
"Why the hell would she want to come?" I scoff.  
"You don't know do you?" he questions. I look at him quizzically.  
Finnick looks down at his feet. "They had adjoining cells in the Capitol Katniss, they are both very familiar with each other's screams." He pauses and looks up into my eyes. "Johanna knew firsthand what he went through, she said that he didn't go through all that torture to end up dead."  
"I had no idea." I say looking up at Finnick.  
"No idea that they adjacent cells or that Johanna had a heart?" He says with a light chuckle.  
"Both I guess" I say with a small smile.  
I'm called away from Finnick by Beetee, who gives me my bow and lines me up for training. Luckily my archery skills are still up to scratch and it doesn't take long before I am cleared to go to bed. I lay down my weapon and start to walk to my compartment for bed, but as I walk with my hand resting on the metal railing the temptation to see Peeta and say goodbye tickles in my mind. I throw around the possibility, and why I should and shouldn't go. I don't want Peeta to become any sicker, but if this mission proves unsuccessful tomorrow we'll both be dead anyway.

I give in to my temptations and wind up in the hospital wing. I have no familiarity with were the 'isolation' room would be. But I know I will have to tread carefully to ensure I don't get caught by nurses or doctors, fortunately sneaking around silently in the woods searching for prey has come in handy, again. As I turn a corner down a white corridor I see Haymitch, my stomach drops and I quickly turn down a different hallway, but not in nearly enough time. "You're getting predictable sweetheart." I hear him call. I decide to stop myself running and instead hope that Haymitch will grant me this one desire.  
"Please Haymitch." I plead.  
"You know I can't Katniss." He responds softly.  
"Why?" I ask frustrated.  
"You know why." He replies.  
"Come on Haymitch, if we don't get back from the Capitol, we'll both be dead anyway." I say repeating my earlier thought.  
Haymitch looks at me for a second realising the reality of the outcome of this mission. He lets out a sigh of defeat and looks up at me. "Give me a minute."  
I stay silent as he walks away.

When Haymitch returns Prim is behind him. "Hey little duck" I say with a smile, hiding my desperation.  
"Hey." She says sweetly.  
"Prim has been assigned Peetas care earlier when he was put in isolation, she'll help you get in." Haymitch says patting her shoulder.  
Tears spring to my eyes with relief. "Thank you." I let out trying not to encourage the ugly cries.  
"Keep it together sweetheart, you haven't even seen him yet." Haymitch says with a laugh.

I follow Prims instructions and put on a sheer ugly yellow gown, a surgical face mask and gloves, I'm even instructed to put on a hair net. I feel stupid covering myself from head to toe, but I do what I'm told in order to see him. Once I am in the appropriate gear I follow Prim to the door. "Take it slowly Katniss. You know he isn't well." Prim says giving my head a reassuring squeeze.  
"Thank you Prim." I say softly holding back the hideous cries that lie behind my words.

When I enter I realise that the room reeks off cleaning products and medicine. Something I think that the Capitol hospital will probably smell a lot like. I turn to Peeta, he looks the same, which I guess is a good thing. I crawl up next to him and feel him pull me in closer to him and kiss my head.  
"Don't go to the Capitol Katniss ." He says softly.  
"I have to Peeta." I reply.  
"No you don't Katniss, please." He pleads.  
I sit up and look at him. "You know if the roles were reversed you would be doing the same Peeta." I say sternly. I've got him in a stalemate and there's nothing he could ever say to change my mind. Admitting defeat he pulls me in closer and holds me tightly.

It isn't long when I hear Prim knock on the door. As I pull away Peeta has an iron grip on my wrist. "Don't go Katniss." He says almost bitterly.  
"I have to Peeta, I'm sorry." I reply  
"I love you Katniss." He yells out as I exit.  
"I love you Peeta." I yell as the door seals between us.

I know that if I die. My last thought will be of him.


	6. Retreat

**DISLCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM ANY RIGHTS TO THE HUNGER GAMES TRIOLGY.**

 **A/N: Hope you enjoy this chapter, I haven't been updating regularly because I've got exams coming up so I haven't had much time to write. Obviously will be updating when I can, please enjoy and review! ^.^**

The morning we ship out, I say goodbye to my family. I haven't told them how much the Capitol's defences mirror the weapons in the arena, but my saving Peeta mission in the middle of a war is awful enough on its own. My mother holds me tightly, "Don't worry I'll be safe." I reassure her.  
Prim walks me as far as the hospital doors. "How do you feel?"  
"Better knowing you're somewhere snow can't reach you," I say.  
"Next time we see each other, we'll be able to save Peeta." Says Prim firmly. Then she throws her arms around my neck. "Be careful."

The hovercraft lands and we come out in the rebel encampment, a ten-block- stretch outside the train station where Peeta and I made our previous arrivals. It's already crawling with soldiers. Those who came on Peeta's Mission are assigned a spot to set up camp to regroup and figure out our next move. This area had been secured over a week. Rebels pushed out the peacekeepers, loosing hundreds of lives in the process. The Capitol have pulled back and have reordered them further into the city. Between us lie the booby-trapped streets, empty and inviting. Each one will need to be swept of pods before we can advance.

After a few hours of careful planning and preparation we are ready to start our journey to the Grand Capitol Hospital, or GCH for short. They have the hovercraft ready to come in for pick up as soon as Boggs gives the order.  
"Why don't they just fly us out to GCH?" asks Gale.  
"Because as soon as they see it's a Rebel hovercraft we're screwed. It's going to be hard enough getting out as it is. We're guaranteeing our death if we go in by hovercraft." Says Boggs.  
"Now luckily because District one & two haven't been taken over by the Rebels yet, there is only a few pods active, and that is on the outer blocks, so as soon as we can make it through them, hopefully smooth sailing." Says solider Jackson.  
"Smooth sailing?" I question.  
"It was something my Gran use to say, it means, hopefully it'll be easy basically." Jackson replies.  
"Oh" is all I can think to say.  
"Okay, let's head out." Finnick chirps up.  
As we begin our travels, Boggs continues to scan for pods, but for the first block we remain unharmed.  
"Why don't we just go through underground." Says Finnick.  
Boggs almost scoffs. "I wish" he mutters. "Coin wants exciting footage for a propo for the rebellion. Otherwise I would be doing just that." He adds.  
After another block of careful walking Boggs speaks up. "Pod, 10 meters away."  
"Well let's get our exciting footage" Cressida says with a chuckle.  
The squad positions itself under Bogg's direction, and then we have to wait for Cressida to get the cameramen in place as well. They're both to our left, with Castor towards the front and Pollux bringing up the rear so they'll be sure not to record each other. Messalla sets off a couple of smoke charges for atmosphere. Since this is both a mission and a shoot, I'm about to ask who's in charge, my commander or my director, when Cressida calls, "Action"

One thing that doesn't come with the Holo, is that it doesn't tell you what lies underneath the lethal Pods, so you have to expect anything. We're all given a place to shoot, there is six incredible statues lying in front of us, there so realistic you have to wonder if there real people set in stone by President Snow. After seeing what the man is capable of, it wouldn't surprise me.

We position ourselves and begin to shoot the statues and through them. After shooting it least 50 bullets between us, nothing happens. "Maybe it was a false Pod?" Castor suggests.  
"No way, there is never a false Pod." Cressida says.  
"What do we do?" Johanna asks. "Just stand here and wait for the bomb to drop?" She adds.  
We all stand for a couple of seconds debating what to do when we see them approaching. It looks like a hundred children, all from different districts. All it different outfits representing the districts.

Why did they send children? And I realise when they open there mouths and wide grins spread across their faces. Razor sharp teeth and blood beginning to drip from them.  
"Mutts!" Screams Gale.  
"Destroy the target!" Yells Boggs.  
That's when everyone begins to fire. But suddenly it's like my body isn't able to move. Children? I never expected the Capitol to use them. I try to convince myself their just mutts but their faces, other than their mouths appear so innocent so real.  
"Everdeen, take cover now!" Boggs screams. But I'm frozen. In fear? Maybe, or just in shock? I am barley understanding my situation when Gale pushes me against the gravel when a bomb explodes. Killing Jackson and a dozen soldiers, whose names I never knew.

A shower or flesh and blood drenches us. Shock subsides quickly when I realise who I am here for. Peeta.  
"We need to move." Finnick says.  
I nod and we quickly move forward, scurrying through the dark and deserted streets of the Capitol. As we rush through I can't help but imagine of what Capitol would've looked liked just a few weeks ago. Brightly lit with a rainbow of colors, loud music and bizarre wigs. But now? Just a ghost town. Everyone seems to suppress the deaths of everyone and focus on what's at stake. Which I'm thankful for.  
"How far away is the GCH?" asks Johanna as we speed walk through a block.  
"Hold on, we need somewhere to load up the Holo."  
"Well all these apartments are empty." Gale says smashing a window and opening a door from the inside. I stare at Gale for a moment. I feel as if Gale has changed. But then again, haven't we all? The arena messed us up pretty good. But for Gale, it has brought bravery and courage. But also a cold blooded killer. For this war it might be a good thing, but for the boy I met from the seam. A bad thing.

We walk up the stairs and reach a small apartment with bright aqua walls with magenta trim. We sit down on the lime green floor and Boggs loads the Holo on the coffee table.  
"Okay the GCH is only two blocks north."  
"Seems easy enough." Pipes up Finnick.  
"Yes, but the hard part is getting in and out of that hospital unnoticed."  
"Not to mention hauling out a massive treatment machine. And a dozen boxes of drugs." Johanna says with a laugh.  
"We're bringing Dr Aurelius back with us to thirteen, as soon as they notice all of it missing and then Dr Aurelius access code to get it out, he'll be dead in seconds." Cressida says.  
"Now. We have to go through the west fire exit and make our way to the 25th floor. Dr Aurelius has located what is called a 'burner phone' they were to be used for people who needed to have their communications in secret years ago. Now they have created them to be virtually undeactable. I will send through a text when we are at the fire exit and he will be their waiting for us." Cressida says.  
"When we locate all we need, we have to make our way up to the roof. I will give the order for the hovercraft to meet us there." Boggs says. "We have a 30 second window to get to the rooftop before we will be detected by Capitol reinforcements."  
"30 seconds? Coin wasn't kidding when she said it was a death sentence." Johanna laughs.  
"How will we know where everything is?" Finnick asks.  
"I have been sent through the locations of everything. The treatment machine is on level 25 with Dr Aurelius. That's our biggest challenge because we have no choice but to bring it to the roof by elevator, no way we can hike up those stairs with it. Vials are on level 10. Fluid bags in 15. Through the stairwell you should be able to get it unnoticed. Medication storage usually remains without security other than the access codes. We will get the access code through text from Dr Aurelius." Cressida says.  
"Why doesn't it he just tell us now?" Gale pipes up.  
"Access codes get changed at random points of the days, we never know when it changes. Sometimes it won't be changed for days, then sometimes a dozen times in one shift. Not to mention each level and doctor has an individual code. All doctors get it sent through by pagers, they began doing it a few years ago when there was a drug stealing epidemic going around." Cressida explains.  
"Okay, let's go." Finnick says.

Getting through the blocks is easy, luckily no pods are in sight. Cressida attaches micro cameras for the teams for getting in and out of the hospital with enough film to satisfy Coin. We are all given ear buds for direction and orders. When we arrive at GCH it is nothing like I expected. Its size is unfathomable, larger than I thought possible, but then I remember. Only the best for the Capitol. I almost laugh at the thought. Cressida sends through a message and we crawl our way to the west fire exit and wait.  
"Access code: 351109" Cressida says. "Who wants to do the honors?" she adds with a smile.  
Johanna pushes through and enters the code without saying a word. The pin pad lights up green and the door opens automatically.  
"Ready?" Boggs asks with a grin.  
We all nod and push forward.

When we reach level 25 we all scurry into a dark storage room.  
Light shines in from a window and I hear Cressida say, "Odin."  
Odin, or Dr Aurelius walks out, he is very normal looking despite living in the Capitol. "Okay we don't have much time. Gale, Katniss. You go down to level 10, Finnick, Johanna Level 15. I need 3 guards for each pair. Now I need Boggs and the Leegs with me to get the treatment machine up to the roof." He says throwing hospital uniforms to the three. "Going through the elevator it's going to be a hell of a lot easier if you're dressed like workers. I wasn't able to get any more uniforms. I'm sorry, now has everyone got ear buds to hear the access codes?" He asks.  
"Affirmative" Boggs says.  
"Okay, I need my teams in the stair well. The storage rooms are all thankfully very close to the stairwell. So wait behind in the stairwell until you get the code. Got it?" We all nod, and get ready.

Quickly we rush through the stairwell, Gale by my side. A soldier in front, one behind and one beside us. I quickly learn their names. Damaris, Jett, and Yandel. They seem very proud to be part of the rebellion, which in this case is very important. When we land at the 10th floor we wait patiently.  
"Johanna, Finnick, access code: 685147, you have 30 seconds to make it to the roof, go!" Boggs speaks through our ear buds.  
It only takes 10 seconds before we get the order. "Gale, Katniss, access code: 694130, you've got 30 seconds, go!"  
Guns by our sides we rush through the small hallway when we find it. We punch through the code, but instead of a green light, there's only red. I try again. Red light. Damaris radios Boggs. In which he replies. "Access code: 694130"  
Code punched in. Red light. Damaris radios back. In which the reply bubbles up nothing but desperation and pain.

"We've been located, I need all teams retreating to the roof, now!"


	7. Get out

**DISLCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM ANY RIGHTS TO THE HUNGER GAMES TRIOLGY.**

 **A/N: Short chapter, but it's important. New chapter will be up tomorrow! Please review!**

 _"We've been located, I need all teams retreating to the roof, now!"_

No. No, not now. We're so close. Damaris, Jett, and Yandel all begin running back to the stairwell. "Katniss, Gale come on!" Yells Yandel. Gale stares at me and I feel like he reading my mind. "No. Go, we have to do what we came here to do." Gale says firmly. The 3 soldiers look at each other. "I'm sorry Katniss." Jett says before all 3 soldiers retreat.  
"Gale, Katniss what are you doing, get out!" Yells Boggs through my ear piece. I assume one of the three has told Boggs our decision.  
"Ready?" I say. Gale nods.  
I take the bottom of my gun and smash the pin-pad and the frosted window above for good measure. Immediately I hear sirens wail the halls and red lights flashing above us. Gale and I bolt in and look through everything. Knocking over medication with no worry for consequence to find what we came looking for. "There is so many!" I scream over the sirens in frustration. "Katniss, Gale, you need to get out now!" Repeats Boggs. But I don't, and neither does gale. I can hear the peacekeepers heavy tread through the sirens. "Katniss!" Gale yells. "Here! Here! I found them!"  
I sprint over and haul 3 boxes under my arm and Gale takes another 4. "Roof or back exit?" I scream.  
"Boggs how much time do we have?" Gale radios through.  
"None." Is all he says in return.  
"No" I whisper in disbelief under my breath.  
"Back exit Katniss. C'mon. We're not giving up yet." Pleads Gale. I snap out of my trance and get ready to run, gun at the ready.  
As the bullets rip through all the walls, the doors, and all the medication, smashing vials and vials of medication to the ground. The sounds of the alarms and the firing squad pierces through my ears and now all I can hear is white noise. Gale grabs the collar of my jacket and we flea through the stairwell. I turn as quickly as I am able and shoot with no regard behind me, as does Gale.

As we scramble through the stairwell we make it to the exit. But before us, stands at least 20 guards.  
Gale yells something to me but I am unable to decipher it through the white noise, suddenly he pushes me behind him and Gale pulls out his bow loaded with an arrow, the tip coated in red. _Explosive_. Before I can even comprehend what Gale is doing, he fires his arrow and the ambers and smoke from the explosion are all I can see. He screams at me again, but this time I am able to make sense of it. "Katniss, Let's move."

I sprint past as the smell of burning flesh seeping through my nose. The rotting bodies are all I can see as I force myself to run forward. Quickly scurrying through, we reach a dark apartment complex and without hesitation we break inside. Dumping our bags on the floor I realise only 4 out of the 7 boxes we originally rescued made it through the escape of the Hospital. I slump down onto the floor as does Gale. I take out my ear piece and off the bullet proof vest that I was issued to wear.

For the first time since leaving District Thirteen I let my muscles relax. Gale radios in, but we receive nothing. "What do we do now?" I say. No word from the rest of the team. We have no conformation if they even got what they were assigned out of the GCH. Jackson and a dozen soldiers dead. The rest of the team could be dead too for all we know. All because I need to save my boy with the bread.  
"We can't stay here for long, our faces are probably plastered on every billboard by now." Gale says.  
"I don't even know where we are, or how to get back to the base camp. Not to mention because of the stunt we pulled at the Hospital they've probably destroyed it. With no radio from thirteen, we're stuck." I say.  
"They'd have to be some sort of map or GPS in this place, I'll start looking." He says.  
We both get up and begin searching through the home. Everything so immaculate and clean, everything here looks brand new. Reminds me of the train I saw when I went into the first games for Prim.  
When we finally find a room that looks to be a study we search through the desk draw when I find a large bound book titled, "The beginners guide to the Capitol." In fancy block letters.  
"Will this work?" I ask showing the book to Gale.  
Gale nods and we settle down in uncomfortable dining chairs and lay the book out on the bright yellow table flicking through the pages. "Maybe if we find the hospital, we can work our way backwards and find our location and start from their?" I suggest. Gale nods and we continue flickering through until I notice a bubble drawing on the cover. Written inside it says, "Pull out map on page 104!"  
I don't hesitate to find it, and when I do I feel like we've finally made some progress. Laying out the map over the table it is much bigger than expected.  
"Solider Hawthorne do you copy?" crackles the radio behind us. I jump at the sound. I hadn't realised how on edge I have been acting.  
"Boggs!?" Replies Gale is surprise.  
Neither of us can barley understand him, just crackles of half finished words. "Boggs? We can barley understand. We don't have a clear signal." Replies Gale.  
After a lot of mumbling on both ends we finally get a clearer signal. Not crystal clear but it sentences are somewhat comprehensible.  
"Gale. Is Katniss with you?" Boggs muffles through.  
"Affirmative." He replies. All I want to do is scream and ask if they made it out alive, did they get his Treatment, is Peeta even alive? But I remain silent and just focus on getting out of here.  
"We can't track you through your cameras, the signal has been cut out. Do you know your whereabouts?" Boggs asks.  
"We are unsure, we're probably a few blocks north of the exit we left the Hospital through."  
"Are you in a secure environment?"  
"Yes, but not sure for how much longer."  
"Do you have any indication of how far you are of the train station?"  
"No, but we have a map."  
"Good, that's good, do you have it, and a pen handy?"  
"Just a second." Gale replies, I quickly bring the map over and a strange black instrument that can only be describes as a pen, pencil hybrid.  
"Okay Locate the Hospital, work your way back and tell me when you find your location." Boggs says.  
It doesn't take long before we figure out where we are.  
"Boggs, we're in Apartment Complex 3280." He says with relief.  
"Good. You're in a secure part of the Capitol. I don't know how we're going to get you out, but we won't give up on you." Boggs says optimistically. "Will get back to you soon, radio out." Boggs adds hanging up.

"We might make it out alive after all." Gale says leaning back into his chair.  
But it doesn't matter if I make it out alive. If Peeta dies, so will I.


	8. Sedation

**DISLCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM ANY RIGHTS TO THE HUNGER GAMES TRIOLGY.**

 **A/N: Up to chapter 8 whoo! Please review! ^.^ this chapter started out really short but when I started getting into it, I couldn't stop, so this one is a long one. Enjoy** **J**

After walking 6 blocks south, a rebel hovercraft materialises overhead and two ladders drop. We both struggle to climb the ladder with the boxes of drugs under our arms. But we manage to climb until we both have it least one foot on a rung of the ladder after we get a secure hold of ourselves the electric current freezes in place. This was the same when Peeta and I won the first games. Once the ladder recoils us into the hovercraft the electric current disappears and I fall to the floor. The events of everything that has occurred over the past day has finally caught up with me. My eyelids are so heavy, I feel like I will pass out at any moment.

When I open my eyes again, I'm in thirteen. Back in my compartment with my mother and Prim. As I stretch my muscles out I notice that Buttercup sits at the edge of Prims bed, staring at me intently. "Don't worry I can't cook you here." I mutter as I force myself up.  
When I get out of bed I realise I am still in the same dirty clothes I went to the Capitol in. I desperately want to see Peeta and the rest of the squad but I decide against it. I know I'm putting off the inventiable but I don't want to face it, if Peeta can't be saved. That they didn't make it out with everything he needed. I turn the taps on and squat under the warm spray, elbows on my knees, head in my hands. Eventually I lift myself up, my muscles feeling stiff and sore. I throw on my mundane grey jumpsuit, and brush my teeth effectively killing another 5 minutes. Before I leave, I take my pearl that Peeta gave me and the rope Finnick had got for me, knowing well that I will need it.

I exit my compartment and start to work my way down the hospital wing. I pass a few citizens who give a smile, some a wave. I feel proud that I can give these people some hope, after been hidden away and oppressed for so long. But insecurities and anxiety fill my being, what if this rebellion fails and they wipe us out completely? What will be left then? I try to ignore them and focus on my mission. To save Peeta and be the MockingJay. Anything else is irrelevant.

When I reach the hospital wing, the same nurse I spoke to when I first came looking for Peeta is sitting behind the desk. She perks up as soon as I enter and motions for me to come over. "You need to go to command before anything else happens." She says softly, squeezing my arm reassuringly. Disappointment bubbles up within me, as I know this will only mean one thing. I have failed Peeta. I don't argue or scream anymore, but just obey to what I am told.

I swallow down my tears and force myself to command. I don't knock but gracefully let myself in. Immediately I see Beetee hunched over the table with Plutarch next to him, obviously discussing something important judging by the concentrated expression spread across his face. Haymitch sits across from them, not looking as involved.  
"Hello?" I say, but it comes out more like a question than a statement.  
Haymitch and Plutarch look up and Beetee swivels around his wheel chair and has a small smile. "Katniss, wonderful to see you well rested, have a seat."  
I sit down and both Plutarch and Haymitch have a strange expression.  
"How's Peeta?" I ask, blurting out the only thing that I can think of right now.  
Beetee taps his fingertips on the glass table and hesitates as if trying to conjure up the words of what to say. "While you were in the Capitol he had to be put into what we call an _induced coma_." I go to speak Plutarch raises his hand, motioning for me not to say anything and let Beetee continue. "We have done this to prolong his survival. And because in order for the treatment to work, he has to be under heavy sedation, otherwise it will not work."  
My mouth drops open. "Treatment? So they got everything out?"  
"Yes." Haymitch says with a pleased look on his face.  
"Without you're determination, we have no doubt Peeta wouldn't have survived." Plutarch adds on.  
"Where is Peeta now? How long will he be unconscious for?" I ask.  
Beetee scratches his head. "That what we don't know. It could be days, weeks even. We just have to be patient. His condition is the worst we've seen so we don't even know if this will work Katniss. I'm sorry." He says softly.  
Haymitch gets up and starts to walk over to me, as if to be ready for a violent reaction.  
"No know if it will work?" I repeat sharply taking a step away from Haymitch. "You said a 90% success rate, what the hell?" I yell slamming my hands on the table, leaving a satisfying crack.  
"Katniss." Plutarch says calmly. "Because the severity of Peeta's condition, the likely hood of the outcome is unknown. We're all very optimistic. You just need to stay calm."  
I let out a defeated sigh. "Can I at least go see him?"  
"I'm sorry Katniss, he is still in isolation." Beetee says.  
"But we've moved him into a room with a window so the doctors can monitor his progress without causing any risk for Peeta. So you can see him through that." Plutarch adds on finishing Beetees sentence.  
I don't push my limits, as I try to understand it is was is safest for Peeta. I swallow back everything I'm feeling and make my way up back to the hospital wing.

When I arrive the same nurse is still at the desk, again she pipes up as soon as I come in. "Plutarch called, he said you would be coming. Would you like me to show you to his observation room?" She asks sweetly.  
I don't dare to speak in case the ugly sobs will present themselves. Instead I take a deep breath forcing myself back into one piece and nod.

The observation room is a lot like I expected, very plain. Light grey walls and dark grey carpet, a glass table with chairs surrounding it, a pitcher of water in the middle of it too. I look to the front of room where a large window sits. It is hidden away behind ivory colored blinds that are pulled shut. I turn around to notice the nurse had left, I'm grateful she appreciates my privacy. Taking a deep breath, I pace myself and walk slowly to the window lined with dust. I hold the rope that controls the blinds and hold it for just a moment. Bracing myself for what I might or might not see.

When the blinds are pulled all the way and I open my eyes, I'm slightly relieved to what I see. A boy with no longer yellow patchy skin, but his normal shade instead. He looks much healthier despite all the monitors and machines. He looks at peace, but I can't imagine the night terrors that will certainly be riddling is mind at this moment. And his subconscious choice to wake up has been taken away from him. Sacrificing his mental health for his physical one. But Peeta is a fighter, always has been. Especially his mother as he grew up. He should've become the Mockingjay, he shouldn't have ever had to pay the price for my mistakes. Rage riddles my being that they didn't rescue Peeta from that Arena, but me instead.

"How is he?" asks a voice that could be no other than Finnick. His question snaps me out of my thought.  
"I'm not sure" I say nervously.  
"Was I right?" He asks. I don't have to ask what he was right about because I know. When we were in the bunker after Peeta warned us about the attack on thirteen and he had said to me that he had misjudged me that I do love Peeta. He was, I do love Peeta.  
"Yes." I say staring out to a very unconscious Peeta.  
"Just keep making knots. No point sitting here wondering when he will wake up, better to distract yourself, like I said." Finnick says softly.  
I clutch the rope in my pocket and pull it out and raise it to show Finnick. He replies with a smile and says. "You should meet Annie you know, you have a lot in common."  
"Maybe another time when Peeta can meet her too." I reply softly. I am in no fit state to see anyone else other than Peeta at this moment.  
Finnick nods and then there is a knock at the door, before either of us can answer Johanna walks in. I'm taken back by how different she looks now. No longer emaciated and riddled with oozing scabs. Other than her shaved head she looks very normal, well as normal as any of us could be.  
"Wow didn't realize I was joining a party." Johanna says sarcastically.  
Finnick laughs too but all I can do is stand silent.  
"Cheer up brainless Peeta will be fine." She says.  
"You don't know that." Is all I can mumble.  
Johanna rolls her eyes, "No I don't." She says firmly, "But I don't know if my scars will heal either, we just tell ourselves these things to get through the day easier. Suck it up and tell yourself he will be okay."  
I nod to her response, but I can't. I will never allow myself to get my hopes like I did the day Peeta returned, when he seemed that he would be okay. But when Peeta returned from emergency surgery and Haymitch had told me he probably wouldn't make it through this, I felt similar to how I felt when my father died. I remember it so vividly.

The lifts were screeching, burning up and down their cables as they vomited smoke-blackened miners into the light of day. With each group came cries of relief, relatives diving under the rope to lead off their husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings. We stood there in the freezing air as the afternoon turned overcast, a light snow dusted the earth. The lift moved more slowly now and disgorged fewer beings. I knelt down and pressed my hands to the cinders, wanting so badly to pull my father free. If there was a feeling more helpless than trying to reach for someone you love whose trapped underground I didn't know it.

With Peeta it had become the same. He was trapped under the repercussions of everything I ever tried to save him from, and knowing it was ultimately my fault was an excruciating despair in itself. When I had lost Peeta to the Capitol, I didn't realize until then how much of affect Peeta had on me. How much I craved his touch, his smile, his laugh, I could go on for an hour about all the things I didn't realize I missed. And now it felt it was all coming back to me again, all the things I craved from Peeta. But this time he wasn't out of reach by distance, he was only a window away. I think that was the worst part of it all. Knowing how close he was to me, but so far away under the treatment and isolation from preventing him getting worse. I hold deeply onto the memories I was able to share with him, like the morning after he was rescued from the Capitol and I finally was able to see his smile, that day I admitted that I loved him. I could will never forget that. I long so badly to experience those moments again.

When I finally opened up to loving Peeta it was like Snow knew my feelings as soon as I did and stripped them away from me. Another part of me that had become a part of his games. But now, he has taken everything away from me, and what I was able to keep is under the security of District 13. He no longer has ammunition on me, and this time it's my turn to retaliate.


	9. Alive

**DISLCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM ANY RIGHTS TO THE HUNGER GAMES TRIOLGY.**

 **A/N: Sorry this took so long to upload been really busy at school! Only 2 chapters to go! ^.^ Please review!** **J**

The next three weeks go painfully slowly. They were able to unite the Districts quicker than they had anticipated. I was somewhat able to help, but with Peeta in isolation and no way to help him I force all my efforts into training for the rebellion. Eat, live and breathe the workouts, drills, weapons practice, and lectures on tactics. A handful of us moved into an additional class that gives me hope I may actually be a contender for the actual war. The soldiers simply call it the Block, but the tattoo on my arm lists it as S.S.C., short for Simulated Street Combat. Deep in 13, they've built an artificial Capitol street city. The instructor breaks us into squads of eight and we attempt to carry out missions – gaining a position, destroy a target, searching a home – as if we were really fighting our way through the war. The thing's rigged so that everything that can go wrong for you, does. A false step triggers a land mine, a sniper appears on a rooftop, your gun jams, a crying child leads you into an ambush, your squadron leader – who's just a voice on the programme – gets hit by a mortar and you have to figure out what to do without orders. Part of you knows that it's fake and that they're not going to kill you. If you set off a land mine, you hear the explosion and have to pretend to fall over dead. But in other ways, it feels pretty real in there – the enemy soldiers dressed in Peacekeepers' uniforms, the confusion of a smoke bomb. They even gas us. I'm the only ones who get their mask on in time. The rest of our squad gets knocked out for 10 minutes. And the supposedly harmless gas I took a few lungfuls of gives me a wicked headache for the rest of the day.

When I finish training for the day I see Boggs walking over to me slowly. "Boggs?" I say, it comes out more like a question.  
Blindsided. That's how I feel when Boggs tells me. I fly down the steps to Command, mind racing a mile a minute, and burst right into a war meeting.  
"What do you mean; I'm not going to the Capitol? I have to go! I'm the Mockingjay!" I shout.  
Coin barley looks up from her screen. "And as the Mockingjay, your primary goal of unifying the Districts against the Capitol has been achieved. Don't worry – if it goes well, we'll fly you in for the surrender."  
The surrender?  
"That'll be too late! I'll miss all the fighting. You need me – I'm the best shot you've got!" I yell. I don't usually brag about this, but it's got to be at least close to true. "Gale's going."  
"Gale has shown up for training every day unless occupied with other approved duties. We feel confident he can manage himself in the field," says Coin.  
"And you think I can't?" I almost scream now.  
"We all know you're smart and brave and a good shot. But we need soldiers in the field. You don't know the first thing about executing orders, and you're not exactly at your physical peak." Says Boggs.  
"That didn't bother you when I was in two, or in the Capitol for Peeta. I counter.  
"You weren't originally authorized for combat in either case. You went against your orders in the Capitol and jeopardized the entire District." Says Plutarch, shooting me a look that signals I'm about to reveal too much.  
No, my intervention in 2, and smashing the pin-pad at the GCH were spontaneous, rash, and definitely unauthorized. Suddenly, I see myself through his eyes. A smallish seventeen year old girl who can't quite catch her breath since her ribs haven't fully healed. Disheveled. Undisciplined. Recuperating. Not a soldier, but someone who needs to be looked after.  
"But I have to go." I say.  
"Why?" asks Coin.  
I can't very well say it's so I can carry out my own personal vendetta against Snow. Or that remaining here in 13 waiting for Peeta to die or live is unbearable. But I have no shortage of reasons to want to fight in the Capitol. "For Peeta."  
The President thinks about this for a moment. Considers me. "Well, you have three weeks. It's not long, but you can continue your training. If the assignment board deems you fit, possibly your case can be reviewed."  
That's it. That's the most I can hope for. I guess it's my own fault. I did blow off my schedule almost every day unless something suited me. It didn't seem like much of a priority. And now I'm paying for my negligence.

But in the hospital, I pass Johanna on my way to Peetas observation room. She's in the same circumstance and spitting mad. I tell her about what Coin said. "Maybe you can train too."  
"Fine. I'll train. But I'm going to the stinking Capitol if I have to kill a crew and fly there myself," says Johanna.  
"Probably best not to bring that up in training," I say. "But it's nice to know I have a ride."  
Johanna grins, and I feel a slight but significant shift in our relationship. I don't know that we're actually friends, but possibly the word _allies_ would be accurate. That's good. I'm going to need an ally.

As I walk up to his room I hear the alarms and sirens that could only be coming from Peetas room. And I know exactly what that means. He is either dead or awake. I sprint down the corridor and see Haymitch waiting there outside of the door. "Haymitch!" I yell out.  
"What's happening?" I ask, anxiety bubbling within me. I can feel the sweat beginning to bead on my forehead and the muscles in my legs beginning to move. I push past Haymitch but he has an iron grip on my shoulder and throws me back. "You can't go in Katniss, Just let them do their job." Haymitch says.  
"I can't. I need to be with Peeta, is he dead!? Is he awake!? Someone just needs to tell me what is going on," I yell desperately.  
"I don't know anything." Haymitch says calmly. "All I know is about 30 seconds ago alarm bells from his machines starting going off. He has the best medical team with him. They will do whatever it takes to save him. Just sit down and relax." He says sitting me down in a chair against the wall facing Peeta's room. I hear muffled yelling and alarms but I can't make out anything there saying.

I don't know how long I had been waiting there until of all people, Boggs walks out holding a hospital gown covered in blood. I gasp and place my hand over my mouth at the sight of all the blood. Peetas blood.  
"I swear that kid only has one word in his vocabulary." He says with a smile. Haymitch looks at Boggs with a grin.  
"What does that mean?" I ask confused.  
"He woke up, on his own." Boggs says. "We weren't able to slowly pull him out of sedation like they had planned. His body went into shock because of the ventilator and all the tubes he had running off him. But he is stable now, and guess what was the first word he said when he woke up?"  
"Katniss." Haymitch says with a chuckle.  
"Does this mean it worked?" I ask.  
"His blood work came back better than we expected. It looks like he will be okay, Happy." Boggs says with a reassuring smile.  
"Well, what are you waiting for sweetheart, your boy with the bread awaits." He says with a grin.

When I walk in, the room is the name but the boy within it, isn't. His eyes instantly lock onto mine, and the bright blue hold the same love and hope as they always have. "You're awake." Is all I can manage.  
Peeta gives me a smile that I had memorized, in the fear of never seeing it again.  
"Yeah," He says with a light laugh. "Are you going to come over, or stand there like you're looking at a ghost?" For a second I believe him, this situation almost seems too good to be true. After every single hurdle Peeta and I have jumped for his survival, we made it. He is alive, and he _will_ survive.  
"It just..." I trail off trying to swallow back the sobs that are bubbling up within me. Something between a cry and scream for him comes out my mouth, and I run into Peeta with all of my might. "This just seems too good to be true." I say crashing into his arms.  
"Why are you crying Katniss?" Peeta asks slowly and softly.  
"I never thought I would be able to be with you again." I say as the tears become almost controllable.  
Peeta squeezes me tightly and whispers, "Me too Katniss, me too."  
It feels like it is only us in the world. Invisible from all the danger, pain and despair that could ever be thrown at us.  
"When I first got back from the Capitol you said you loved me, real or not real?" he asks hopefully.  
"Real." I whisper bringing myself out from his chest and meet my lips to his.  
I didn't want to break away but we both had to, to catch our breath. "I never want to lose you again." I whisper.  
"You never will." He says softly, bringing my lips to his once more.


End file.
